Attachment Styles in Adult Relationships: A Therapist’s Guide
Have you ever wondered why you feel secure in some relationships but anxious or distant in others? Or why the same relationship patterns seem to repeat, no matter how hard you try to change them?
The answer may lie in attachment theory - a psychological framework that explains how our earliest bonds shape the way we connect with others throughout life.
In this article, we’ll explore the four main attachment styles in adults, how they show up in relationships, and how therapy can help you move toward healthier, more secure connections.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, describes how children form bonds with caregivers.
If a caregiver is consistently responsive, the child learns that relationships are safe.
If care is inconsistent, rejecting, or chaotic, the child adapts in ways that may protect them in childhood - but create challenges in adult relationships.
These early experiences often form into an attachment style, which can influence how we love, trust, and relate as adults.
The 4 Main Attachment Styles in Adults
1. Secure Attachment
Characteristics: Comfortable with closeness and independence. Able to trust, communicate, and set healthy boundaries.
Relationships: Balanced, stable, and resilient to conflict.
Approx. 50–60% of adults are securely attached.
2. Anxious Attachment
Characteristics: Fear of rejection, need for reassurance, heightened sensitivity to signs of distance.
Relationships: May feel clingy or preoccupied, worrying about abandonment.
Often rooted in inconsistent caregiving.
3. Avoidant Attachment
Characteristics: Value independence, struggle with vulnerability, may minimise emotions.
Relationships: Keep partners at a distance, may withdraw when intimacy increases.
Often linked to dismissive or emotionally unavailable parenting.
4. Disorganised (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment
Characteristics: Desire closeness but fear it at the same time. May swing between pursuit and withdrawal.
Relationships: Can feel chaotic, marked by mistrust or fear of being hurt.
Often linked to trauma, loss, or frightening caregiving.
How Attachment Styles Affect Adult Relationships
Attachment styles can influence:
Communication: Secure partners express needs clearly, while anxious or avoidant partners may hint, withdraw, or protest.
Conflict: Anxious individuals may escalate conflict to get attention, avoidant individuals may shut down to reduce stress.
Intimacy: Secure partners enjoy closeness, avoidant partners may feel suffocated, anxious partners may worry they’re not “enough.”
Understanding your attachment style isn’t about labelling yourself - it’s about recognising patterns and having the tools to change them.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes. While attachment patterns are deeply ingrained, research shows they are adaptable. Through self-awareness and supportive relationships, many people shift toward secure functioning.
Therapy is especially powerful here:
It provides a safe, consistent relationship where your emotions are seen and validated.
It helps you explore childhood roots of attachment struggles.
It gives you practical strategies for managing anxiety, building trust, and creating balance.
How to Move Toward Secure Attachment
Notice your triggers: Journaling or therapy can help you spot patterns.
Practise self-regulation: Grounding, mindfulness, and breathing exercises reduce attachment anxiety.
Communicate needs clearly: Replace hints or shutdowns with direct “I feel / I need” language.
Seek secure relationships: Being with securely attached people can model new ways of connecting.
Therapy as corrective experience: Working with a therapist offers a model of a safe, consistent relationship.
Understanding Yourself Is The First Step
Attachment styles are not destiny. They’re patterns - and patterns can change. By understanding your own attachment tendencies, you can begin to build healthier, more secure relationships with others and with yourself.
✨ At Smart Therapy in South West London, our therapists support clients in exploring attachment patterns, healing old wounds, and creating more secure, fulfilling connections.
